This Looks Strangely Familiar
by MrPresident
Summary: This will warp your fragile little minds. *Updated* with something resembling chapter ten but without the naked ladies and tips for cheating at Bridge. [Warning:B/X]
1. Looks Like We Saved The World, Again

Chapter One - Looks Like We Saved The World..Again  
  
It was Friday night in Sunnydale. Most of the residents slept in their beds without any knowledge of the eternal struggle between good and evil carried out on their doorsteps. They slept without knowing that their fate and the fate of the entire world rested on the shoulders of one person.  
  
"Xander! Smash the Omulet of Therusse."  
  
"What!"  
  
"Smash the weird glowing thing."  
  
"Oh." *smash*  
  
The evil demons that Buffy had been fighting suddenly all turned to dust. And there was silence.  
  
"Is it over?" Asked a frightened Dawn from her hiding position behind a rock.  
  
"Yes." Said Buffy. "You can come out from your hiding place."  
  
"I wasn't hiding."  
  
"No?"  
  
"I was waiting for my moment to strike."  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"I was."  
  
Buffy turned away from her sister and faced Xander. "So you just saved the world. What you going to do now?"  
  
"I'm going to Disneyland."  
  
"Can I come?" asked Dawn.  
  
"I'm not actually going to go to Disneyland."  
  
"Then why said you were?"  
  
"It's just a phase that people use."  
  
"I've never heard it."  
  
"That doesn't mean it doesn't exist." Said Buffy. "Anyway he just saved the world I think we can give him some leeway."  
  
"How about giving him something more than leeway." Said Xander speaking in the third-person.  
  
"Did we stop them?" Asked Willow as she came in from outside the building.  
  
"Wait let me check."  
  
"We got them." Said Buffy while giving Xander a look.  
  
"Oh good." A smile came across Willow's face.  
  
"Yeah. I saved the world."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Okay fine. Buffy kept the demons off my back while I saved the world."  
  
"You do know there is no I in teamwork?"  
  
"There isn't. No wonder I failed English."  
  
"Well the important thing is that the world was saved." Said Willow.  
  
"Oh sure. When Xander saves the world the important thing is that the world has been saved. However when Buffy saves the world."  
  
Buffy interrupted him, "Hey when you save the world as much as I do then I think you deserve some appreciation."  
  
"We appreciate it. Don't we Xander?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
The three of them move in to hug each other.  
  
"Not that I want to spoil the moment but can we go home?" Asked Dawn.  
  
"It is late. Maybe I should be getting her home."  
  
"Okay. Everyone back to Buffy's."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I was thinking of a B-movie marathon as a sort of celebration.  
  
"Oh can we?" Dawn was probably more excited by the prospect of staying up late than anything else.  
  
"Alright fine. But no watching gory movies."  
  
"No gory movies? You did hear that I said B-movies?"  
  
"There must be some non-gory B-movies."  
  
When he heard that Xander's face light up.  
  
"Not that kind." Said Willow knowing exactly what kind of movies Xander was thinking of.  
  
"Come on! You lot do know what a B-movie is right?"  
  
Buffy was going to answer when she worked out what sort of movies that had made Xander' face light up.  
  
"Oh. That's gross Xander."  
  
"What? I'm a young red-blooded male. It is in my genes."  
  
"I know that it's in your jeans. Oh wait you meant genes."  
  
"Okay so it's decided. Xander you go get some movies and we will go back to Buffy's place." Said Willow.  
  
They all nodded. 


	2. I Can't Believe They Kissed

**Chapter 2 – 'I Can't Believe They Kissed.'**

"Well, that movie sucked." Said Buffy after the television screen went blank. It was very dark outside and the only light in the house came from the radioactive glow of the television. I'm not saying a large amount of radiation but the normal low level of radiation that a television produces. I mean I don't want you to panic, it is not like it is life-threatening radiation, I suppose it depends on how long you spend before your television and of course computer monitor. But enough about being slowly poisoned to death and back to the story. 

The only two people left standing, or in this case slumped on the sofa, were Buffy and Xander. They had just finished watching one of the many B-movies that Xander had bought.

"What are you talking about?" Asked Xander.

"It was just scantily-clad women running from a giant blob over and over again."

"So?"

"Where was the story? The emotional adventure? The character development?"

"It's not a chick flick, Buffy."

"Not every movie like that is a chick flick, you know."

"I think you will find that they are."

"What about…oh, I know, there's…maybe…I hate it when you are right."

Xander's face was broken up by a large smile stretching almost from ear to ear. "Lucky for it I'm not right very often."

"I don't get it, how can you not like chick flicks?"

"I don't know. I just find a way."

"What are we going to watch now?"

"Funny you should say that because when at the video shop it occurred to me that you ladies might not want to watch just B-movies all night. So I picked out a chick flick for you."

"You picked out a chick flick?"

"Picked out, asked the assistant, what's the difference?"

"Which one is it?"

"I don't know. They all look the same to me."

"Well, put it in then."

Xander, after much effort, managed to free himself from the clutches of the comfortable sofa and walked over to the VCR. "You know we don't have to watch this if you don't want."

"Having second thoughts?"

"Second, third and fourth."

"God, chick flicks aren't that bad."

"I'll remember you said that."

"What's that supposed to mean."

"We both know that you can't stand chick flicks anymore than I can."

"That's not true. I love the way they get to you emotionally involve yourself with the same story and how you truly care about the characters."

"Yeah, just like I love to hear about how terrible your day has been."

"Oh you are just so full of…wait, you don't like to hear about my day?"

Xander quickly put the video into the machine and pressed play. "The film is starting, everyone quieten down."

The film was surprisingly good, thought Xander. There was none of the usual corny dialogue that he found so annoying and at one point he could have sworn he saw something. Buffy on the other hand was experiencing something similar to torture. The story was so unbelievable that every few minutes she would say, "I can't believe that!", "Man, that was predictable." Or "This is so unrealistic."

After one such outburst Xander turned to her and said, "What is so unrealistic about it?"

"Oh come on!" Buffy almost couldn't believe that Xander didn't see it. "Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl but doesn't tell her, girl falls in love with boy and doesn't tell him and then both realise the other's feelings. That would never happen in real life."

"I don't know about that."

"It so obvious that the boy fancies the girl that she would have to be blind not to notice."

"I suppose she would have to be."

"And why doesn't the boy just tell the girl he loves her?"

"What if he fears rejection?"

"He should stop being a wimp and get over it."

"It's not that easy."

"Oh, look at that." Buffy waved a finger at the screen. "I told you they would realise the other's feeling for them. I bet you this film ends with them kissing."

"What is wrong with them kissing?"

"You don't go from being friends to kissing just like that."

"You could."

"Maybe in Hollywood fairytale land but not in the real world."

The two figures on the television screens moved closer and closer together until finally there didn't seem to be any space left between them. All the while they had been engaging in the familiar Hollywood romantic comedy style banter. Then the music rapidly increased in volume and then they kissed.

"I can't believed they kissed! That so wouldn't happen in real-life!" Buffy said almost shouting.

"Yeah, you're probably right." Replied Xander in an unusually resigned way. "You're probably right." He repeated too quietly to himself.


	3. I Am A Marxist, Just Like Groucho

Chapter 3 - I Am A Marxist, Just Like Groucho

"What do you mean I'm fat!" Said Buffy in a high pitched voice.

"I didn't say you were fat." Xander replied, desperately trying to recover the hopeless situation.

"If you think I'm fat then just say it."

"You're not fat and I didn't say you were."

"I can't believe you called me fat."

"I didn't!"

"Some friend you are."

"For the last time I didn't say you were fat!"

"That is the last thing a girl needs to hear."

"Yet it is the first thing they imagine they hear."

"Are you saying I'm over-reacting?"

"Yes is not a strong enough answer for that question."

"So not only are you calling me fat but you're also insulting me."

"Oh God, kill me now."

"Forget about God, I'm going to kill you."

"Well I wish someone would."

"Can't believe you called me fat."

"You know this is what I imagine hell is going to be like."

"Well get used to it because for calling me fat you're definitely going there."

"I don't care as long as it gets me out of this conversation."

"You're not getting off that lightly."

"That I could have guessed."

"There will be payback."

"Is this it?"

"And it will come when you least expect it."

"You mean there is something worse than this?"

"Ten times as worse."

"I find that hard to believe."

"Trust me in a little while you won't."

"All I said was that dress might be a bit small for you."

"Yeah because of my gigantic as-"

"No! Because it is Dawn's dress."

"Oh."

"Oh indeed."

"I still think you called me fat."

"Now there's a shock."

****


	4. Written While Under The Influence Of Spi...

Chapter 4 – Written While Under The Influence Of Spike Milligan 

****

"I can't believe you called me fat!" "I can't believe we're still talking about this." 

"Women don't forget being called fat."

"Women don't forget, you're like elephants."

"Elephants?"

"Yeah."

"The really big, fat elephants?"

"Wait."

"You're saying women are like really big fat elephants."

"You see what I just did which was stupid."

"Just admit it Xander! You think I'm fat!"

"You're not fat, you're a psychopath obsessed with her weight, but you're not fat."

"You think I'm crazy."

"I am not falling for that one again. Fool me once shame on me. Fool me twice…err…more shame on me."

"No one is trying to fool you."

"You are."

"I'm not."

"You want me to call you fat."

"I want you to tell the truth."

"No man can tell a woman the truth when asked, am I fat?"

"Really?"

"Oh yeah. Something to do with your genes. It works with how does this look? We haven't got enough plants, have we? Am I better looking than your last girlfriend?"

"Is that true?"

"Yeah, go on ask me one of them."

"Okay, how does this look?"

"Beautiful."

"Thanks…wait…"

"You see. Women don't want the truth they want flattery."

"Like men are any different. Women constantly have to lie, size doesn't matter, yes I would love to see an action movie, of course Baywatch should never have been cancelled, no sport isn't a pointless waste time but a worthwhile way to spend your time."

"All right, fair enough. But there is really no contest women are worse than men, period."

"You're only saying that because you're a man."

"A man is just spend I don't know how long trying to convince you that you're not fat."

"I can't believe you called me fat."

"I should have let it lie."

"That is like the worst thing to call a woman."

"Why didn't I let it lie?"

"Maybe because you're an idiot?"

"I would argue with that but the evidence is just too strong."

"I love it when I'm right."

"Lucky it doesn't happen to often."

"That's not lucky."

"Fortunate?"

"Nope."

"You know, I think you may be approaching this from the wrong angle."

"Which angle would that be?"

"Your angle."

"And approaching it from my angle is bad?"

"When I am trying to be right, yes."

"Arguing with you Xander is like arguing with a brick wall."

"Thank you."

"That's not a compliment."

"I don't think that is your decision."

"What do you mean it isn't my decision? I said it, I decide if it is a compliment or not?"

"Yes but I can choose to take it as a compliment even if you didn't mean it as such."

"I accept that but you can't take it as a compliment when I expressly say it is not a compliment."

"I can too."

"Can not."

"Can."

"Not."

"This is childish."

"Then your childish."

"That's was predictable."

"No this is predictable, I can't believe you called me fat."

"Yes that is predictable. You think you will ever be able to let that go?"

"Of course not. I will bring it up every time you look like winning an argument."

"But don't you just bring up the whole slayer thing when that happens."

"I like a bit of variety."

"Yeah, same here."

"What? You have eaten the same breakfast cereal for the last six years."

"So?"

"That is hardly variety."

"Buffy, Buffy, Buffy."

"Xander, Xander, Xander."

"You have a lot to learn about breakfast cereals."

"Yet I have a strange desire not to learn it."

"You see each piece of breakfast cereal is like a snowflake."

"They are of immense unimaginable beauty?"

"Nope, each one is different."

"But they are all like mass produced in the same factory."

"I don't try to understand the science of breakfast cereal production, I just look at the results."

"You are a very strange person."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"I can't believe you called me fat."


	5. What The Clucking Bell Is This?

Chapter Five - What The Clucking Bell Is This? 

****

"What are you talking about?" Said Buffy.

"I'm telling you it's true." Replied Xander.

"It couldn't be…could it? No, you're just joking, aren't you?"

"Believe what you want to believe."

"But…what a melon?"

"Yeah, I was shocked by that too. However the thing I don't understand is how they…you know…with the…thing."

"Oh, that's easy…what? We were bored one night and this is too much information, isn't it?"

"Any information about a naked woman is never too much."

"Well, I'm not telling you anyway."

"Aww…I'll just have to imagine it then."

"Hey!"

"Well, hello naked Buffy."

"Stop that!"

"What's that you say? You want to do your workout in the nude…well okay."

"Xander!"

"What?"

"Look at my face."

"Oh, sorry."

"No, I meant look at my face as in see that I have my serious face on and what did you think I meant?"

"Err…um…look at that squirrel."

"Don't change the subject."

"Come on…look at the squirrel. You know you want too."

"Well okay but then we are getting right back to the…aww, he's so cute."

"How do you know it is a he?"

"Is that a trick question?"

"Oh, he is a he…and what a he, he is."

"Err…Xander, that's his tail."

"Oh, of course it is…you know, I always wished I had a tail."

"Excuse me?"

"I said a wished I had a tail."

"Why?"

"Balance."

"You fall over a lot?"

"A surprisingly large amount."

"Yeah, what is up with that?"

"I don't know but if I had a tail…"

"Xander, you aren't going to get a tail."

"I boy can dream, can't he?"

"As long as it isn't about naked Buffy…Xander!"

"Sorry."

"What is it with men and naked women?"

"It's not just naked women, it is also scantily clad women."

"Men are weird."

"Nice generalisation there."

"I do my best."

"That's pretty good I think you might be ready for the great insulting Olympics."

"Thanks."

"No problem."

[Silence]

"Do you ever get the feeling that our conversations have little or no purpose?"

"You can't expect every conversation to have a purpose."

"Yeah, I suppose."

"In fact more conversations don't have a purpose."

"Probably."

"This isn't like television where everything is done for a reason."

"God, it would be hell if this was television."

"Yeah…but it would explain a lot."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the whole vampires thing. That sounds like something that they would do on a television show."

"So, are you saying that our entire lives, our whole existence is solely for the purposes of television?"

[Silence]

"No, that just sounds ridiculous."


	6. If Everything Has a Price Than How Can S...

**Chapter Six – If Everything Has a Price Than How Can Something Be Priceless?**

"Good morning, good morning." Said Xander as Buffy opened the door.

"I think that crosses the line from cheerful to insane." Replied a far-from-awake Buffy.

"Ahh…The thin yellow line."

"Why yellow?"

"Because yellow is the colour of cheer."

"And insanity?"

"Yes."

"Okay, you have not just crossed the line but have also climbed the mountain of madness."

"The mountain of madness?"

"Okay, I may also be climbing it."

"You're not climbing it. You've made camp at the summit."

"Just to change the subject from my growing insanity, why is it a good morning?"

"Because the birds are chirping, the sun is shining and the flowers have come out to bloom."

"That sounds like a number from a Disney musical."

"Is that a good thing or bad?"

"I don't know."

"Anyway, I have an announcement to make."

"Should I go get Dawn?"

"If you would."

*****

"Hey! I was watching that!" Said Dawn in response to Buffy coming into her room and turning off her television.

"Xander has an announcement."

"He does?"

"Yes and he wants you to hear it."

"What is it?"

"I don't know."

"He hasn't told you yet?"

"No, he is waiting for you, which will mean he will be waiting a very long time. What the hell are you doing?"

"Changing."

"Why?"

"No reason."

"Did you just get a sudden dislike of your clothes?"

"No."

"Did you just cross a line?"

"What?"

"Never mind. Oh, I've got it. You're changing for Xander, aren't you?"

"Am not!"

"You so are."

"So what if I am?"

"Dawn, I don't think Xander feels the same way about you as you feel about him."

"How do you know?"

"You're not his type."

"And you know what his type is?"

"Just trust me."

"Maybe Xander only goes for pretend blondes about this high." Dawn made an approximation of Buffy's height with her hand.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing. All done." And with that Dawn left her room leaving Buffy standing there motionless.

*****

"Hey, Dawn." Said Xander to the figure walking down the stairs.

"So, what's the big announcement?" Asked Dawn.

"Where's Buffy?"

"Upstairs."

"What is up with you Summers' girls? Can only one of you appear at one time? Kind of like Superman."

"Do you want me to get her?"

"Please."

"Buffy!" Shouted Dawn.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

Buffy made her way down the stairs. "Sorry Xander."

"You two ready for the announcement?"

"Yep." Dawn replied quickly.

Xander looked at Buffy who was staring into space. "Buffy?"

"Oh, yeah. I'm ready."

"I have been prompted."

"Does that mean you will make more money?" Asked Dawn.

"Lots more."

"Well that is great Xander." Said Buffy as she moved forward to hug him.

"It's better than great." Said Xander after the hug. "It's…It's…"

"You can't think of a word which means more than great, can you?" Said Buffy.

"Nope."

"What about it's really great?" Asked Dawn.

"Thanks Dawn. It's better than great, it's really great."  Said Xander looking straight at Buffy.

"Okay Xander, it's really great."

"Damn straight." 


	7. Sleepless in Sunnydale

Chapter Seven – Sleepless in Sunnydale 

****

After a night of celebration (i.e. drinking) it was decided that it was too late for Xander to go home and so he was sleeping on the sofa. The actual decision-making process was very interesting indeed, you see Buffy said to Xander that she…wait, that's a different chapter. Oh well, that's a pity because it was a really interesting story. Anyway let's start this chapter…

****

"I can't sleep." Said Buffy.

"Is that my fault?" Asked Xander.

"Well no, but…"

"But?"

"Yes but."

"There's always a but."

"What's wrong with a but?"

"Buts are always bad."

"Anyway…" Said Buffy with a roll of her eyes.

"I saw that."

"Saw what?"

"You rolled your eyes."

"So?" Said Buffy with another roll of her eyes.

"You did it again!"

"Anyway…"

""I can't believe you rolled your eyes at me."

"Anyway…I've forgotten what I was going to say."

"It started with a but."

"Oh yeah…but it was indirectly your fault."

"I love your but." Said Xander with a smile.

"Excuse me?"

"How is it indirectly my fault?"

"Well…" Buffy paused to take a long breath, "I can't sleep because I've had too much to drink…"

"You had like two glasses." 

Buffy ignored him and carried on, "…I drank too much because we were celebrating. We were celebrating because you got a new job. Therefore I can't sleep because you got a new job and so you are indirectly responsible."

"Well done Sherlock."

"Are you mocking me?"

"No, I'm indirectly mocking you."

"It might have been the cheese."

"It's always the cheese."

"Why do you always defend the cheese?"

"Why do you always attack the cheese?"

"Why do you always answer my question with another question?"

"I don't…or do I?"

"There are times when you can be very annoying."

"Really early in the morning is usually one of them."

"Hey it's not my fault you're awake."

"Yes it is!"

"Okay maybe it is my fault but that doesn't mean I should be blamed."

"Yes it does."

"Well…err…shut up Xander!"

"Nice comeback."

"Nightmares!"

"What?"

"That's why I attack cheese. Cheese gives you nightmares."

"That's just a myth."

"Says you."

"Me and the National Cheese Appreciation Society."

"NCAS?"

"Actually no. NCAS is the National Caterpillar Appreciation Society."

Buffy laughs.

"I wouldn't laugh if I were you NCAS is a very powerful group." Cautioned Xander.

"What are they going to do? Tickle me to death?"

"You do realise that NCAS is made up of people not caterpillar, right?"

"…Yeah, of course."

"This conversation has gotten very weird indeed."

"That's what happens when you don't get enough sleep."

"Yeah you're right, maybe we should try and do something about that." Said Xander.

Neither one of them moved or said anything. Although I suppose you can hardly say something and not move. I could have just said that they didn't work but then I suppose you might think they could have been suddenly paralysed for some reason.

"Hey do you want to watch a movie?" Asked Buffy.

"Actually I want to sleep but since you have make sure that isn't going to happen anytime soon, why not?"

"What do you want to watch?"

"Something with a lot of violence."

"Sleepless in Seattle?"

"Okay, what version have you seen?"

Author's note: For some reason some of you think I am mentally unstable or suffer from some kind of mental illness…I don't know why. Anyway let me assure you that I am of sound mind and I even have a certificate to prove it. Now if you will excuse me I have to go and take my postal exam to see if I can become a US postal worker. Now where did I put my handgun…?


	8. This Has No Titledamn paradoxes! DAMN YO...

**Chapter Eight – This Has No Title…damn paradoxes! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!**

**_Author's note: This was written whilst reading a history textbook and so any historical references that may occur in this chapter are purely the result of that and not some worldwide conspiracy of mine to change history for the betterment of me. That is just plain silly talk, the talk of fools and the occasional television pundit. I am fully committed to the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and do not, under any circumstances, wish to create the People Republic of Yorkshire or any other such nation. I just wanted to reassure you (the readers and MI5) of that and I hope this finally puts those libellous accusations to bed or at least until the next red top exclusive. Thank you and goodnight…oh wait there is a chapter to follow this, you should probably read that. That is why you are here after all, unless you are here thanks to the MrPresident Appreciation Society's annual 'Read This or Else' program (hi guys, hope the beatings aren't too hard this year). So enjoy, tolerant or actively dislike (I am a man who believes in choice, choice and the mortality of mortals) the following…[cue dramatic music]…[cue naked dancing ladies (perhaps the best kind of ladies)]…[cue smug looking presenter who has just recently managed to increase his pay into the 'cloud nine' zone of the company's pay structure]…and go._**

"Xander, you don't have too." Buffy protested politely. The kind of protest that people do when social etiquette requires them regardless of whether they want to or not. "You have done far than enough."

"He can do it if he wants." Said Dawn drawing a stern look from Buffy, "What?"

"Dawn," Buffy emphasised that forcefully, "Xander doesn't have to do it."

"I know I'm just saying that if he wanted to them he can." Dawn replied not seemingly to care about Buffy and whatever kind of looks she may or may not be making.

"Ladies, ladies, ladies." Said Xander with two outstretch arms.

"There are only two of us Xander." Buffy pointed out.

Xander chose to ignore this and carry on as if Buffy hadn't spoken, "There is no need to fight amongst yourselves. The Xan-man takes care of his ladies."

"Xan-man?" Questioned Buffy, "Since when are you the Xan-man?"

"I like it." Dawn said, again earning her a stern Buffy look. "It has a certain comic book-esquire sound to you."

"Thanks…" Xander paused, "I think. Anyway I have decided to take you ladies out on a big shopping day…um…out."

"Ooo." Dawn squealed, "Shopping!"

"Xander you don't have to do this." Buffy protested again.

"I know." Xander said sounding serious all of a sudden. "I want too. What's the point in having money if you can't spend it on your friends?" 

"I suppose." 

"So we've going shopping?" Dawn asked expectantly.

"Yes." Buffy confirmed.

This answer resulted in Dawn making various 'happy noises' and her running upstairs and into her room with great speed.

"Ahh to be…" Xander hesitated, "How old is she again?"

******

After a day of hard shopping (as opposed to soft shopping?) Xander was weighed heavy by bags to such an extent that you could only see the bottom part of his legs and his two hands. In contrast to this Buffy and Dawn were relatively bag-free, obviously they had those tiny girlie bags that somehow contain as much as Pandora's box (Greek mythology reference for you there), and therefore free to browse the various window displays designed to entice shoppers like the sirens of old (another Greek mythology reference, man, they're coming thick and fast – a phrase I don't fully understand by the way). 

"Are you done yet?" Xander asked desperately.

"Of course not." Buffy replied. "When are women ever done with shopping?"

"Is that like one of those philosophical questions? Like the tree falling in the forest?"

"Since when do you know philosophical questions?" Buffy inquired with a slightly raised eyebrow.

Xander lowered his head, "Comic books."

"Is there anything they can't teach you?"

"Nothing important."

"Yeah but the real question is whether or not…ooh! Look at that." Buffy suddenly got very excited at shop display.

"It's just a cuddly toy, Buffy." Xander said with a roll of his eyes.

Buffy regained control of herself, "Err…yes…it is just a cuddly toy."

"Buffy?" Xander tried to get her attention but she was still staring at the cuddly toys in the shop windows. "…Buffy?"

"…What?" 

"Do you want me to buy you one of them?"

"Yes." Buffy instinctually replied, "I meant no…no, you don't have to do that."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, you have done far more than enough today Xander."

"I just wanted…" Xander paused, "Where's Dawn?"

"She is probably around somewhere…what did you just want?" Buffy asked.

"I think we should go look for her."

"All right fine." 


	9. No Officer, That Substance Isn’t Illegal

**Chapter Nine – No Officer, That Substance Isn't Illegal.**

****

"Xander, what ya thinking?"

"I was wondering if monkeys will ever rule the world."

"Maybe not the whole world but I could see them running Africa."

"I suppose but who really wants Africa?"

"Africans."

"Then why do so many of them want to leave?"

"Okay, how about big game hunters?"

"I don't think they would want to stay."

"Camels."

"Yeah, camels."

"So that's settled then."

"Hey, what were you thinking?"

"I was thinking I wonder what Xander was thinking."

"Before that."

"I was wondering what was on telly tonight."

"You should have just looked at the TV guide."

"Thank you for that piece of advice but I couldn't find the TV guide."

"I would help you look for it but…you know…I'm lazy."

"Yeah, I know."

"I would have liked a little more protest."

"Okay sorry, no Xander you're not lazy. You are the opposite of lazy…not lazy."

"It's too late now."

"I didn't know there was a time limit."

"Of course there is a time limit on protests."

"What do you mean of course?"

"It is widely known."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah."

"What else is widely known?"

"Cheese gives you nightmares."

"I knew that one."

"…Err…actually there aren't many things that are widely known."

"Why is that?"

"My guess is that most people are stupid."

"Most people can't be stupid."

"I think they can."

"Yeah but stupidity is relative. Only 49.9% of people can be stupid and 49.9% are smart."

"What about the middle 0.2%?"

"They're average."

"Don't most people consider themselves average?"

"Yeah but that is because most stupid people don't want to admit their stupid."

"And the smart people?"

"They are smart enough to know that people like humbleness. So you see most people can't be stupid."

"Sure they can."

"But I just proved that it is impossible."

"You forget one thing."

"What's that?"

"Stupidity will always find a way."

"I don't think they will get that parody."

"We'll just have to take that chance, won't we?"

"So…"

"Can't think of anything to say?"

"Nope."

"Neither can I."

"You want to sit in silence and stare distantly into the…um…distance?"

"Sure."


	10. A Thousand Miles Of Thoughts

**Chapter Ten - A Thousand Miles Of Thoughts**

****

"What do you mean I can't go with you?" Asked Dawn.

There were three of them sitting round the breakfast table in Buffy's house. One of them obviously being Dawn. The other two were, predictably, Buffy and Xander. 

"We mean you can't go with us." Replied Buffy.

Dawn looked to Xander for help who glanced over at Buffy and concluded that agreeing with Buffy would be the wisest choice, "Err...yeah." He said, not very convincingly.

Dawn realising that there was no way she was going to win this one tried to retreat with her dignity in tact, "This is so unfair! I hate you guys!" She was unsuccessful.

After she stormed off Xander visibly relaxed, "That went well."

Buffy looked shocked, "Well?"

"Considering everyone survived with all their limbs attached I think it went well."

"What is it with you and limbs being attached?"

"So....Why couldn't she come with us, again?"

"So we could be alone."

"Oh, yes."

There was a moment of silence.

"Why do we want to be alone?"

"Do I have to draw you a diagram?"

"...Yes."

[One diagram-drawing later]

"Oh."

"Exactly."

"That diagram explained everything."

"So you don't have any further questions?"

"No...well, one. Why couldn't Dawn come with us?"

[One Ass-Kicking later]

"Oh."

"Exactly."

'That ass-kicking really explained everything."

"So you don't have any further questions?"

"....No."

"Excellent."

"Well I do have one..."

Buffy calmly went and picked up a very large knife.

"...but it can wait." Finished Xander.

"Are you sure?"

"Very."

"No more questions?"

"Nope."

"Sure?"

"Yes."

"So you're ready to go?"

"I'm ready to do anything as long as you are holding that knife."

"Anything?"

"Within reason."

"Oh."

"Why? What did you have in mind?"

"Well, we have this really heavy stuff in the basement that needs throwing out."

"Oh."

"Why? What did you think I was going to say?"

"Well, I thought...err...um...nothing. I thought nothing."

"Surprisingly enough I don't find that hard to believe."

"Hey!"

"Xander? Come on...Tell me what you're thinking about right now?"."

[Xander's mind: Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex...]

"Well, yeah okay but..."

"I rest my case."

"Fair enough. So when are we leaving?"

"I thought I explained that to you." Said Buffy grasping the knife.

Xander seeing this said quickily, "Oh, yeah. I remember now..."

There was another moment of silence.

"If you could just give me a ballpark that would be great..."

Buffy picked up the knife and charged at Xander yelling at the top of her lungs.

Xander ran straight out of the house, shouting as he left, "I'll just go home and pack then!"

[


End file.
